Another Sermon

Hoo-boy! Today's sermon was on forgiveness - asking for it or giving it. Anyone who asks for forgiveness is doing what Jesus said we must do. Anyone who forgives is also doing what Jesus said we must do.

Several years ago, I told someone (we all know who) in a letter that I forgave her and asked for forgiveness in return. In a recent conversation that ended badly, she mentioned that letter and said that's when she knew she hated me. For saying I forgave her. She felt she had done nothing to be forgiven for and how dare I? The hatred in her face when she said that to me was plainly visible.

Well, back to the sermon. I wanted to interrupt and ask about that, but of course, I didn't. I just sat there and listened to how we're supposed to ask for and give forgiveness or we can't enter the kingdom of heaven. We're not even supposed to be IN church until we've gone to the other person and settled our differences. How are we supposed to worship God when we have this hanging over our heads? Well, dang! I tried. But in today's sermon we were reminded that we are supposed to forgive seventy times seven - or in layman's terms, a whole lotta times!

I don't mind so much that she's never accepted my forgiveness or that she's never forgiven me, but I do mind the fact that now I'm hated for doing something we both should have done long ago. We both were at fault for saying things we shouldn't have said. We were both at fault for not trying to mend the hurts. When I realized I needed to do that, I thought we could forgive and go on to be civil with each other, at least.

There's nothing I can do about it now, and I'm not inclined to try anymore. I'm ok with myself and I don't want anything from her anymore. I feel pity for such a sad, unhappy person. She's missing out on the bigger picture here.

I've done all I think I can do, but the issue still remains - this mutual act of asking for and giving forgiveness. It took two (or four) to make a mess of it and it has to take two to clean it up. I don't feel I need to do that any more. I'm not upset anymore. I almost feel a kind of relief, as if she's given me permission to stop. HA! Like the only permission she'd give me would be to go burn in hell! And I'm sure she'd like for me to do just that. But that's another story for another time.

Sometimes I'm almost sorry I go to church.